THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.