Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
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5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?