“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Weighing up my bread heating options