THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife