THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.