THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.