My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
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2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Wikigenius
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman