friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
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adding to the discourse
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
This line from Airplane.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.