Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie