Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
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Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*