i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear