Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to