Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
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This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Rather alarming headline…
Denise please return my vape pen
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.