THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
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Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Meowchelangelo
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.