THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
real
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!