Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
You Might Also Like
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
man: wait
time: no
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro