I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds