@slimmy_shady: Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
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@XLToast: Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog? Stranger: He's over there! Oh thank God! [steals little boy's corndog and runs away]
@david8hughes: There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there's also kids with machine guns so I'm not going.
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh ME: whatever, I didn't like working at the aquarium anyway