Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
You Might Also Like
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Rich people don’t understand cereal
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.