Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?