I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line