THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.