THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
he’s doing your taxes
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.