Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Twitter remains undefeated
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
it’s the silliest best thing
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower