Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person