THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
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[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?