THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
You Might Also Like
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Steam Forums
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
My support group can outdrink your support group.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.