Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least