THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.