THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
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The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”