THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.