interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Art by Pastelkatto
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.