chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
peak technology
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already