[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG