[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The news is so predictable nowadays
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
can you read it!!??
maan!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min