[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.