[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
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Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
some things should go without saying
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine