[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.