[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
We decided to have money instead of children.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Not recommended for beginners.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed