[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Me: I鈥檒l take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[olive garden]
waiter: when you鈥檙e here you鈥檙e family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If evolution is real then why aren鈥檛 hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
This can never not be funny 馃槶馃槶
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
gf: where鈥檚 that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what鈥檚 in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…