Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs