Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
💻🤡
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
How to wake up a Beagle
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
San Francisco has too many rules
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.