*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”