@DaddyJew: There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren't good with numbers
@Eightinchgoat: The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.
@dafloydsta: *goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*pulls pants up
*forgets to poop
@_davidlucas_: My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
@skickwriter: My microwave broke. So, we're finding innovative alternatives. Did y'all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
@bjaynash: The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.