What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
The little toadstool has spoken.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.