Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.