I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc