I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Optional boss fight.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
😂 amazing answer
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.