There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
You Might Also Like
Mission: Impossible
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
the three genders
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid