There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born