If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.