Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”